roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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