How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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