I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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