Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
