remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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