Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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