Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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