Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Another day, another engagement, another cat
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
