the condom got lost in my hair
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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