I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
