I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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