I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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