Need sex. Gaining weight.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
