the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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