Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
