Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
