there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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