And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
