I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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