I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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