i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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