I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
