I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
