The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
