i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
