1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
