It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
