i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
