i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
