my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i think my mom watched the whole time
Banned from zoo.
Again?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
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