Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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