i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
