his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I wear drunk well.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
