i already hear my dad disowning me
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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