how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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