We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Randomize
