you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
