FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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