Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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