come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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