I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
