just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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