I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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