I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
