Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
