Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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