Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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