My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
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