i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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