I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
