I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
